That's not fair!

That's what I'd say to my mom... And she'd say, "Life's not fair."

Really? I still have a problem with this. In small group, we discussed times when we want what other people have... Like keeping up with the Joneses. I have a friend who always has to have the new toy, or car or house even. I laugh at people like that... But there are times when I wish I had somebody else's faith. Not necessarily the gushy pious kind... Just the kind where I am solid and have no doubts.

I wonder if I am doing enough with my life and if God is pleased. On the other hand, thinking that I'm not doing enough may seem a little uppity. What makes me think I am equipped or meant to do more? I enjoy my work and life. There are parts that need work, of course, but that is probably the case with most people. I guess we're meant to focus on God no matter where we are in life. Paul was in prison and still managed to do that. He could've said, "After all the great work I've done, it's not fair for me to suffer and die in prison." but still he persevered and didn't lose faith. So I guess it's kinda petty of me to think, "I wish I had THAT kind of faith." i need to get off my lazy butt and start seeking Him through His word and prayer. The rest of my faith and life will come together.

They Started Well...

I've been following the Giants during this cactus league spring training, and they started really well...  but the last few games have been pretty bad... especially since Lincecum and Cain were pitching... our two "aces."  I know it doesn't count towards the regular season record, but it makes me worry a bit about how it seems like they're coming apart.

Some folks might consider me a fair weather fan since I just started following them (again) last season.  I skipped the Bonds year, and pretty much most of the years since the baseball strike, and started following these guys.  They just seemed like a great bunch of guys - no superstars, but just a good team when they come together.  Lincecum was not pitching well in July and August when I started watching, and none of the pitchers were throwing well in August... so that's my argument against me being a fair weather fan.  I could've just gave up on them then.  Lincecum didn't start pitching well again until September and I was already hooked by then anyway.

Now I look at my blog record, and I noticed that I "started well" too... and now only blog every once in a blue moon.  Is my faith the same way?  I find so much "good TV" and I'm not reading as much as I ought to...so I have nothing I think about or blog about or pray about.  It probably will get even worse when baseball season officially starts. Hmmm... what shall I do to fix this problem?

MIA

Wow, where have I been?  Just running around between work and everything, I guess.  Don't know if I've "been still" like I wanted to be in my last post... but I have been chatting with God more during my bike rides and dogwalks.  Since gas is skyrocketing again, I've been riding my bike to the transportation center to catch the vanpool to San Ramon.  It's nice and quiet in the mornings.  When I ride home, I go on a bikepath that used to be a railroad track (it's now paved over).  There are a lot of homeless people around, but they are friendly and smile when they see my watermelon helmet.  Makes me thankful for all I'm blessed with.

Be Still...

...  and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10)

I'm a Project Manager, at work and at home.  I always like to do stuff, I like to multi-task, I like to stay on the move.  Our small group discussed hearing God's whisper, and I was a bit stunned because I couldn't remember the last time I may have heard His whisper (if at all).  Maybe His whisper was an instinct I had to go somewhere on a whim instead of what I'd been planning, and I just didn't recognize His voice.  On the way home from small group, my friend mentioned that we run around so much that we're never still or quiet enough to hear His voice.

I ask myself why I'm always running around instead of relaxing and being still.  If I were to be honest, I guess I'm a bit of a control freak.  It's not a label I want, but it's probably correct.  I don't like to ride with my daughter while she's driving even though she's fine behind the wheel... but I just feel like I have no control.  I like to run around and keep doing things or taking care of things so that I don't have to worry about it.  But really... Maybe God just wants me to be still and trust Him instead of doing it all myself.  People come to me with relationship issues or career issues, and I don't really know what to tell them... except to follow God's direction.  That probably just frustrates them because, like me, they're so busy trying to take care of their business that they can't hear Him.  In the end, I think that means we don't trust Him.  We think, "God helps those who help themselves."  This may be true to some extent, but there comes a point that we need to stop running around looking for answers... and we need to focus on Him and trust Him to show us the way.

I've never been one for "quiet time" at camp because I thought it was a big waste of time.  But now I think I need to give this QT thing a try lol...  Maybe I'll hear His voice, at the very least comforting me and letting me know everything will be okay.

The Epidemic

I'm starting to read a child-rearing book called "The Epidemic."  I know it's a little late, but I'm curious to see what we did right and what we did wrong... and maybe we can use what I learn to help raise my grandkids or grandcats.  Some of the things we did right - Don't let your child enjoy all the TV, videos and video games he/she wants. Don't facilitate your child's ascent into the world of consumerism.  Don't accommodate his endless urges for the latest, coolest, most attractive, most superficial things.

There's a few more things we did right and probably a few we did wrong... but I want to concentrate on these things as it's an epidemic that has now reached adulthood.  The book was written in 2004 after the Columbine shootings, and the writer talks about how disconnected these kids were in order to do something like shooting up a school and killing other kids. I think its cuz they get lost in these TV's, video games, internet, etc... and don't learn to deal with people. If those kids were still alive, they would be about 30... and there are many about that age who I work with now.

My old co-worker and friend died over the weekend.  I hadn't seen him in a while, but I've always thought highly of him and the kind of guy he was.  And that made me think about how the work environment has changed for adults because of technology.  For me, work was always enjoyable because of  the people I work with and the relationships I've formed. When I started  at AT&T, the working environment was such that you had to have some social skills to survive.  There were groups of 5-10 people working together for 12 hours straight, 3 days in a row, sometimes graveyard. There were no cubicle walls and you had to deal with each other face to face.  You saw these folks all your waking hours during half the week, and chances are you interacted with them more than you did your spouse.  It was great and I miss those days.

Now I am a Project Manager and deal with people in the Midwest, East Coast, and even India or Philippines.  Communication is done mostly by email, instant messages and internet meetings.  People are shocked when I actually call them on the phone because I'm too impatient to waste time waiting for messages or emails that are being ignored.  At work, you are not supposed to ignore a phone call unless you are on the phone.  I think that's an unwritten rule.  But somehow it's okay for people to ignore IM's or emails, go figure. If they are in my building, I make a point to go meet them in person so that there is a "face" they can associate with the emails/IM's... and maybe it will be harder for them to ignore me.  Anyway, since the market is now saturated with young 30-yr-old techies who grew up with electronic devices, computers, etc, it seems a lot of them prefer to use these devices rather than the ol telephone or face-to-face... and that makes me sad.

Some of the greatest people I've met have been through work.  What will make work fun for these 30-yr-olds who interact through cold machines?  If I have to find another career, I would probably find something more service-oriented because I like some interaction.  I'm kind of an introvert, but I do like to like people.

Stinky Dog

Suki was smelling like a stinky 125-lb dog... Since we're trying to be frugal, I decided to try the local grooming salon's self-bathing section.  For $15-20, you can use their tubs, warm water, shampoo, towels and power dryers.  I usually pay them to do it and leave her there for 5 hours... but I thought I'd just try to get the preliminary stink off, then take her for the pro job in the spring when she really blows her coat.  I was there about 1.5 hours and she definitely looks better.  I was sitting by my hubby when he suddenly said, "Suki, you still smell!"  We looked around and Suki wasn't in the room.  I think I was the stinky one.... Maybe I was all along?

Obviously it's probably because I washed her and didn't change out of my clothes yet... but it did make me ponder how we sometimes see others' faults when they are so often the same as our own.  We're more than happy to ignore our own funk.

Bum Knee

My weird knee is so unpredictable.  Every once in a while, it hurts for no known reason.  I messed it up pretty bad 20 years ago and tore 2/3 of my left ACL.. but I've been able to do a clean-up surgery on it and it's been pretty good as long as I don't do too much crazy stuff on it.  But yesterday and today, a little twinge came back.  It's not cuz I did anything  to make it sore.  It's not even sore really... but rather just twinges every now and then... as if there's some tiny bone fragment scraping up against every once in a while.  Usually a couple days of just easy walking and cycling (no running or jumping) will usually move that fragment out of the painful spot... but what happens when that doesn't do the trick?

Yesterday at work, I had a pretty bad limp.  Today I woke up with it being a bit better, so I know I should be pretty good by tomorrow.  For some reason, my mother-in-law has been on my mind a lot this weekend.  Could be cuz another uncle died last week, and we were discussing family stuff today...  But it made me remember how vital and energetic she was when she babysat the kids.  She would give them piggyback rides up and down the stairs and take them for walks.

But after she "retired" when she was 72, she seemed to slow down quite a bit... and we stood by her as she suffered knee pain, falls and countless visits to doctors and hospitals... far more than she ever wanted or probably ever imagined.  I think it drove her crazy because she liked having things done a certain way, and she wasn't physically capable of doing it that way anymore.  To make matters worse, she had to watch us do things our way which of course wasn't up to her standards.  She did mention in one of her later years that she had loosened her standards.

I really love to be active, but this old knee twinge just reminded me that I won't always be able to do the things I want. How ironic is it that, when you retire and have time to do stuff, you're not physically capable to do it all anymore?  I'd like to think that I have great genes (because my parents are pretty healthy), but I still won't be able to do what I do now.  Heck, I can't even do what I did 20 years ago.  How will I manage 20 years from now?  Will I be frustrated and angry?  Hopefully I'll have some grandkids to take the sting out of aging.  If not, Lindsay has promised to supply many cats.

Foul-Weather Friends

My girls have known this kid since middle school.  He lived down the block and we did a lot with him...  Carpool, band, bbq's, etc.  One of my kids even took him to a prom.  We thought of him like family and we thought we'd always be in touch.  But when he got into college and got a gf, he had issues with his mom and then dropped off the face of the earth.  Every now and then, we'd hear from the mom but nothing from the kid.  Fast-forward a few years...  Recently he contacted my girls and the other girls down the block.  Evidently he and the gf broke up and he was miserable... He apologized for being MIA, but mostly I think he just wanted someone to vent to.

I have friends like that too.  When things are going good with their lives or relationships, I don't hear anything.  It's literally "No news is good news."  I only hear from them when there are relationship issues or a family member is sick, etc. 

I used to wonder why people going through hardship sometimes have more faith in God than the people who have relatively easy lives.  Maybe it's because they go to Him more like my foul-weather friends only come to me when things are lousy.  Is that His only way of getting people's attention?  I try to talk to Him every day several times a day... but it's more of a quick chat now and then.  I don't really have that quiet time other folks have where they lock themselves up and just spend 1x1 time with Him.  Which is better?  I guess it doesn't matter since I can do both.

Empty Mind

I haven't posted much lately because I haven't had much on my mind outside of getting healthy and doing my job at AT&T.  I finally made it back to Tae Kwon Do last night and was working out with my instructor/buddy.  We were practicing this combo (a series of techniques to be executed in a certain sequence).  It was one of those block-parry-strike-strike things.  Remembering the sequence isn't hard, but having to adjust to your attacker was difficult.  For instance, if they attacked with the right hand, then you had to do the sequence starting with your left side... and if they attacked with the left hand, then you had to start the sequence with your right.  So it takes some reaction time too.  We were getting mixed up and all, then we decided to just go with an "Empty Mind." 

In martial arts, you can go with a beginner's mind, a focused mind, or an empty mind.  Beginner's Mind is when you approach whatever you're doing as if it's the first time you've ever done it (even though you may have done that particular punch or kick a zillion times over the course of twenty years).  With focused mind, you just concentrate on what you're doing and blocking out everything else.  Empty mind is just letting reactions work and doing what seems natural.  After having done the sequence several times on each side already (without a partner), our bodies should've memorized what do... so we decided to stop overthinking "should I use my left or right hand first?"  We used our empty minds and just let our bodies and "muscle memory" take over.  It was easy after that.

This makes me wonder if there is ever such a thing with "Empty Mind" with Christianity.  I have friends that were born into families where the faith was ingrained in them, and they never had doubts.  I guess they can have Empty Mind, but I doubt I ever will.

Sick of being sick

Okay, I've been sick for over two weeks now, and it's been a long time since I've been sick so long. Just another reminder that I'm aging. Usually I don't think about midlife crisis or getting old because I look at my parents and their siblings, and they all seem pretty fit for their ages (70s and 80s). This is now starting to change for them, but hey, they are a good 20-30 years ahead of me, right?

On the other hand, they didn't grow up with all the fast food, booze and drugs I used... So I guess I shouldn't really expect their lifespan and health. The main thing this makes me contemplate is how I spend the rest of my life. Do I do as I've been doing and just take things as they come? Or do I try to plan it out? I guess I should just plan on concentrating on God and see what He brings me. Being a fairly new Christian, I need to focus on learning more about Him and His word. For the immediate future, I will stop doing too much too soon so I can get healthy again.

How to Be Rich

I didn't go to New Life again today since my cold/cough is still lingering, and I don't want to spread germs to the seniors or those battling cancer, etc.  We're doing a series on How to Be Rich, so I watched the Lifechurch.tv session here

http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/how-to-be-rich/3

Now that I call myself a Christian, I can't fallback on the, "I give, but not the full 10% cuz I don't know if I really believe" excuse.  It's sad that the average American only gives 3% to charity... and while I can say I give more than 3%, I can't say I give 10% of our household income. 

But anyway, these series also don't talk about how to address married people who may not have the same financial goals (ie, maybe my spouse thinks it's crazy to give away 10%).  My friend married a non-Christian and I know they had "discussions" about it.  They moved to Vegas and it's not an issue anymore since she doesn't have a "local church" to tithe to. I married a Christian, and I still don't know if he'd be on board with giving the full 10%.  Just the other day, he was telling me how his dream is to get a minivan.  That's not a big dream, and I started feeling bad...  Partly cuz I know we can't afford it (we have some credit card debt to pay off as well as a mortgage)... and partly cuz I'd been thinking about how we could use some of our tax return to pay off debt, and hadn't really thought about how hubby would like to spend the money.

It was interesting how the pastor talked about how we scheme about how to make money or how to spend money.... but we rarely scheme to GIVE money.  I will try to scheme up more ways to increase my tithe while paying off my debt.  I wish the series would talk more about how to do that.  Maybe next week?  In the meantime, common sense should rule and I should stay vigilant in not spending carelessly... and seeking His will for the resources He's blessed us with.

Another year gone by...

Whenever one of my kids, nieces or nephews has a birthday, I usually draw a stick figure cartoon of them and their higlights for the year. If I were to make such a card for myself, I'd poke fun of my first Christmas tree (since it's the first time I can say I believe in Jesus Christ without doubting the words as they leave my lips)... This was the year my nest un-emptied when Linz graduated and came back home... And it was the year I rediscovered the Giants and they won the World Series for the first time while in SF!

I loved the Giants as a kid, and I worked for their radio station KNBR back when I wanted to get into broadcasting. My time there ended on a not-so-great (but not-so-bad either) note... And I never really liked Barry Bonds cuz he seemed like a jerk to me... So I stopped following the Giants and KNBR up until July. They were still in second or third in the west division, but watching them in Tahoe with my cousins reminded me of when we watched as kids. I got to see some of the players and these guys really seemed down-to-earth and friendly... Not at all jerky or arrogant. I went to a few games last year and that clinched it. I am a fan... Whether they do it again or not, I will cheer for these guys. They were the underdogs and they are still underestimated... But that's okay cuz I know they have heart.

Same with God... I am a Christian for good... And if/when those old doubts start creeping up, I'll review "The Case for Christ" and "The Case for Faith"... And I'll talk to Him and read His word....

No More Phone Booths

Still reflecting on that Wonder Years episode when Kevin wanted to tell his dad's boss to jump in a lake... but instead answered, "Whatever you say, Ken." 

I remember being known as a pretty spirited kid and very outspoken.  My language was rotten which only made it worse.  I would say whatever was on my mind and I would say it right away.  Wonder Years made me wonder when that ended.  I was happy, loud, rowdy and fun (usually)... but that changed one day in a phone booth in Chinatown in front of the majestic St Mary's Catholic Church on Grant Street.

I was about 20 when I went into the phone booth to call my friend, and this Italian-looking guy with grey Mafia hair and a brown suit pulled me out, closed the door and just stood there.  About five seconds lapsed and he didn't even pickup the phone to make a call.  So not-so-bright-me pounded on the glass and yelled, "ARE YOU GONNA USE THE DAMN PHONE NOW THAT YOU SHOVED ME OUT AND FORCED YOUR ASS IN?"

The "old guy" (in hindsight, he was probably only 50) moved pretty rapidly outa there, grabbed my lapels and got me off my heels (I actually wore those once upon a time. Maybe that's why I hate em now) and shoved me down the block about 5 feet.  Surprisingly I landed on my feet, while hundreds of my Chinese brethren scurried across the street and away from my activity.  No Catholic church-goers were coming to my rescue either...  Yet I still shouted, "YOU'RE SUCH A F***'IN A$$H***!!!"  He took a step towards me and asked, "You want more?"  Still noticing that no help was coming, I meekly muttered, "No" and went on my way.

That's when I learned that there were times I needed to keep my mouth shut for survival.  And it's a lesson that's served me well throughout life.  I can't just say whatever crosses my mind to my co-workers, friends or family members.  Of course there are days when I miss the crazy spirited girl I was, but I had to grow up eventually.  Now all my un-PC thoughts go to Jesus in prayer... since He already knows my horrible thoughts anyway.  I'm thankful He loves me anyway and helps me through those dark moments.